A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
- Channing Pollock
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
– Mae West
His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams
If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien
She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells
Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire
An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando
He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
– Mark Twain
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
– Irvin S. Cobb
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
– Clarence Darrow
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.
– Moses Hadas
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
– Groucho Marx
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
– Oscar Wilde
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
– Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
– John Bright
When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger
Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe
The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne
I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan
The average person thinks he isn’t.
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
He’s proof that there’s life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan
The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol
He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier
She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- Douglas Adams
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
- Jean Giraudoux
Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw
He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone
What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
Free Business Cards
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields
He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.
- Chuck Norris
Nothing makes a man so modest about his income as a tax form to fill out.
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
- W.C. Fields
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
- Daniel J. Boorstin
The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.
- Josh Billings
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the ones that never have it.
- Finley Peter Dunne